A hidden reason for your love troubles
You want juicy love. But it just doesn’t seem to be working out.
“They weren’t the right one.”
“It wasn’t the right time.”
“Maybe I’m too broken for a healthy relationship.”
“Maybe what I want is unrealistic?”
We come up with many reasons why we think things aren’t working out. And, honestly, in my experience, most of the time the reasons we come up with aren’t the real ones.
The real source—the unconscious beliefs held in our body-mind.
We come up with many reasons why we think things aren’t working out. And, honestly, in my experience, most of the time the reasons we come up with aren’t the real ones.
The real source—the unconscious beliefs held in our body-mind.
Relationship patterns are seeded deep in our brains at our earliest stages of life, even before we are born, by those who grow and raise us and by our cultures at large.
Many of us didn’t get our basic needs for being seen, validated, and understood met as children, especially if we fall into the highly sensitive or neurodivergent category. We’ve developed attachment wounds that make it harder to love and be loved.
Many of us have seen our loved ones fall in love and make lifetime promises that ended in nasty divorces. We can question what is even possible in relationships.
Many of our cultural narratives around relationships give us little real information on how to be happy in them. It’s “Find the one and then live happily ever after.” The story doesn’t even include what happily ever after looks like. And it certainly has zero instructions on how to keep the happy, in sickness and in health. Some of us have never even seen a relationship we would want to be in.
In short, most of us have relationship baggage; often through no fault of our own.
This baggage lives deep in our nervous systems.
It lives in neural networks deep within our nervous systems that have encoded the overwhelming experiences of our life (and some of our community at large, and family members before us) that got wired in with fear. This fear might have been justified in those original circumstances but the result is an inappropriate and unwanted response in our nervous systems.
The baggage lives in the web of belief systems—unconscious and conscious—that has been constructed about the rules of life and what is possible in love and romance.
One person might find that every time a new partner says I love you, they suddenly lose interest and this person they were enamored about has myriad annoying turn offs and it’s time to leave.
Another person might find that they’re always the one who “loves more” and continues to resent all the hard work they put into relationships that never seems to be reciprocated.
Yet another might avoid dating entirely. They think they are too busy, or not ready, or need to work on themselves more, but deep down they are afraid of getting hurt again or finding out that their worst fear about being unlovable is true after all.
Someone else might settle for less than they really want because they don’t believe what they want is possible.
Another might reject perfectly lovely matches because they are too afraid to be vulnerable.
If any of this rings a bell, rest assured you’re not alone. And it’s also not your fault. Nor is it simple to change just by being intellectually self-aware of the pattern.
These are deep patterns that are hard to recognize even to those of us who make it our literal job to suss them out. And they live in deep parts of our brain that are not as easily accessed by conscious thought, so simple conscious awareness won’t often make them budge.
These patterns developed from strategies that once worked to keep us safe. And they simply need to be upgraded with a little love and attention, using the neural and energetic wiring of the body to help it adjust swiftly, easefully, and sustainably for lasting results.
If you want to hear more about how this might be working in your life, and what might be helpful ways to change it, book a free call with me to discuss by using the button in the header.
xoxo,
Emily